My business became my priority
I started running, and stressing, and sacrificing, because I had to do everything I could to make it happen. While I was running and sacrificing I could feel the pressure increase. I could feel the weight of those thoughts pressing on my shoulders, and it got heavier and heavier. And everyday it got a bit heavier, and my days became a bit darker. Everyday there was one more extra cloud hanging over my head.
Those clouds distracted me from what I needed to do. Those clouds made me feel stressed, unhappy and unsatisfied. New thoughts came up: “You’re not doing it right. You’re still not even close to where you want to be. Will I ever get there? Am I even capable of being an entrepreneur?”
The more clouds there were, the more thoughts came and the more I felt unfocused. “Push harder”. I analyzed myself constantly and came to the conclusion that I could work harder, make more hours and do more. So I started to add a little more pressure.
It is never good enough
But the more I tried to do everything right, the harder it became to face another day. When 100% wasn’t enough I had to give 150%, and when 150% wasn’t enough I had to give 200%. And suddenly my bed felt more appealing than working. Sleeping felt more appealing than living. I literally had to drag myself out of bed every morning, and I struggled with it. And that became yet another thing to criticize and scold myself for.
This went on for months, until my body made it very clear that I could not go on like this. Luckily I was already very in touch with myself and my feelings – I just happen to be be very good at pushing them away and ignoring them – so that I could notice the signs in an early stage. If I had kept pushing them away, I’m pretty sure it would’ve got way worse than this.
I was done with myself
Although in the back of my mind I knew what was going on, it still felt like it came out of nowhere when my body said: “Stop. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I just want to sit here and do nothing”. And every time I tried to do something I felt a really intense resistance. I felt resistance towards everything: work, people, television, Instagram, WhatsApp messages. I was just so done with everything and everyone.
Of course that wasn’t the truth. I was done with myself. I was done with the huge amount of pressure I had put on myself. But since my Ego still ran the show at the time, I projected that resistance onto my external world. When I felt agitated by the people in my life, whom I love and appreciate very much, I instantly knew: “Sanne, you need to stop this. This is not true. They’re not doing anything wrong and you know it. Go look inside yourself and start facing what needs to be faced”.
Surrendering to everything I am feeling
And so I did. I started to surrender to my feelings. I started to surrender to my resistance and to my body’s need to release the pressure. Day by day the clouds above my head began to fade, and the light could shine into my life again. My days seemed brighter, and I felt the weight on my shoulders getting lighter. All that time I had put my goal before myself, and I knew it was time to turn that around. If I ever wanted to reach my goal I had to take better care of myself.
And then something interesting happened. I don’t believe in coincidence, so I think it has to be ‘fate’ or ‘destiny’ or whatever you like to call it. At that moment it just felt like a wake-up call and I had to take it seriously. In short time I received the same message from three different people, in three different ways. The message was: if you want to strive for anything in life, strive for the highest energy as possible, because when you are vibrating high, you’ll attract things in life with the same energy.
Long story short: if you feel good, good things will come to you. So, if you want to focus on something, focus on feeling good. Focus on doing anything you need to make sure you feel good.
Taking care of myself became my priority
I had already concluded that I was far from feeling well and that I needed to change that, and this message sent me in the right direction at exactly the right time. I only had to figure out what I needed to feel good, and go do that. What I really needed was taking better care of myself. So I started doing yoga every morning. Just a short practice at home, 15 minutes, nothing ‘special’. I started being nicer, kinder and more loving to myself. I started to really pay attention to my needs and listen to it. I stopped pushing myself, I stopped forcing things when it didn’t feel right. I started treating myself like I am important.
I made myself my first priority, and I suddenly understood that that was all I ever needed. Do you remember those thoughts I had when I started working for myself? Do you remember I wanted to feel strong and feel good about myself? Remember when I thought a thriving business would make me feel that way?
Turns out you don’t need to reach future goals like that to feel that way. In fact, I now see that achieving a goal in itself will never make you feel good if you can’t feel good now.
What will make you feel strong and good about yourself?
Think about the most important person – or the most important goal – in your life. How do you treat that person? How much attention, love and kindness do you show? Where is he or she standing on your priority list? How do you speak to that person? How much do you want to see him or her thriving and happy?
Now go and give yourself at least the same treatment. Give yourself all the attention, love and kindness you have. Put yourself at the top of your priority list. Speak to yourself in a way that empowers you. Give yourself permission to be thriving and happy right now.
And let me know how it feels. 😉